BEEP BEEP BEEP. I wake up, roll around in search of my cellphone which is engulfed in the blankets that had comforted me just moments before. Finally, the mission is complete and the incessant beeping comes to an abrupt halt. And I realise that it is just another day, so similar to the one before. This realisation is laced by building misery that starts to build due to the fact that I had only enjoyed the comfort of only 3hrs of sleep (yes, having only three hours of sleep will be the excuse for my mood for the rest of the day). Dreading that next 11 hours will be spent travelling to and from work via public transport, sitting at a desk staring at a computer screen for most of the day and spending all those hours feeling unfulfilled career wise, with people I probably wouldn’t have bothered getting to know had the office not connected us.
Despite the tumultuousness of my mind in the first few moments of waking, I roll out of bed, Do the usual… shower, teeth, pick out an outfit I deem professional and make my bed. Despite the deep desire to skip my daily meditation routine (with the voice in my head screaming that I am not in the right mental space to be alone in my mind) I make a decision to struggle through it. I read two pages of something “inspirational” to start the day and set my stop watch for 10 minutes to ensure I don’t get so into my Zen that 10 minutes might turn into an hour (at least that is what I tell myself, when in actuality, my 10 minute meditation alarm today is to ensure that I don’t get distracted after two minutes and convince myself that 10 minutes had already elapsed).
Those 10 minutes seem to add to the nightmare. So many voices in my head… do I feel guilty at the fact that meditation is a struggle today or do I feel guilty at the fact that I feel guilty at all? Was it my ego that tried to convince me to walk out the door before my 10 minutes even began or was it my self-conscious that was trying to lead me down a path that I should have taken? I don’t know! But alas, the 10-minute beeper sounds not a minute too soon and I’m outta there. Transport to work is a blur. Work seemed grey… no colour, no laughter. Did I laugh yesterday? I think I remember laughing yesterday. I decide to walk home… clear my mind. Then, as if I was part of some cosmic joke, the heavens open. I am drenched… head to toe… dripping. But, I kept walking.
The evening slowed down and in the quiet of my apartment (incense burning in the background) I realised that I chose this day. From the moment I heard the loud BEEP BEEP BEEP of my alarm… I made a conscious decision that today would feel unfulfilling, today would be grey, today will be frustrating and a sense of lack of meaning… ultimately sadness. I chose sadness when I opened my eyes this morning. If sadness was chosen today, happiness can be chosen tomorrow. Happiness is not dependent on my external reality. Happiness is the decision to smile at the beeping sound of a new day rather than furrow my brow and sigh with disbelief.
Today, I choose happiness, everything else might come and go but today, this will be my constant!